As i sit back with a bra on with a blunt between my index and middle finger. Constantly looking at the J how slow the smoke of the paper is exhaling out, but all at the same time burning so fast just like how the year went by. i can hear it in my head someone saying “pass the b yo”. Funny thing is theres noone to pass it too. so as i reflect on everthing i been through while i gaze into Miss. Mary Jane’s green soul an sip this divine wine. i think the new year to come will be the same as it was last year or worse. drama, bullshit, heartache, it surrounds us at all times theres just no escaping that due to people an there ways. i mean you can change yourself but so much to the point where other’s that makes it hard to be the person you try or attemp to be. everyone’s intention doesnt thought out to be bad but somehow our selfishness makes it ought to have a outcome. where we start hurting someone and we dont know why!  i had a wise lady tell me something while i took a trip overseas “Never take heat to who hurt you ; but know its done out of self desires” ” the lord of men is selfish an takes other humans for granded and you should self insipre” it took a while to understand what she was trying to express but being out of the states have fromed a thought that i didnt think i had with in me. I have took notice that i humbled myself and learned so many things about being a human being an how god (allah tallah) have shaped an formed these people an there mind frame of thinking towards others. we greed, we take, we love then hate. All for self desire in wanting only for ourself, an dont care or embrace for others in what they want an there desire’s an needs. some people are reading this an probably saying this girl is crazy. i might be but to me i have learned what iam speaking of. So… my years that has to come by i will indulge in knowledge an wise myself to be a better person not for me but for others.

i have loved, i have been currupted in his love, i have been hurt an it scarred my soul. went up an above an beyond highs an lows to come back to a happy home. i have searched to find a healing for my soul to seal my heart. went oversea’s came back with that same emptyness that drew us apart. couldnt drop my isqh Ishwar ki Ibadat.(amour: gods gift to lifes design) i thought of you as my gift from god who made you for me. Couldnt look in myself.  Pyaar: Aatma ki Parchai hai.(love: is mirrored in your soul) everytime i seen me i seen you in me, apart of my soul. The importance of my life… Mohabbat: Zindagi ka Maksad (romance:….love is the reason to live for…) life isnt the same witout your love, touch an embrace to my soul… but i was glad too meet you at the end of this old year which is like gold. Even tho we arent speding this newyears together we are in a better place. i having a hard time wraping my head around the fact you arent here this newyears to come. i really dont know how am i going to deal with my situation an you not being there to comfort me just to tell  me its ganna be okay, dont cry, give a me a hug an a kiss then whip my tears away. 

I dont know every year i or we lose someone towards the end or the beginning of the new year so either or its tough round this time. i lost my friend 2 years ago in front of my face an sometime i feel its partially my fault an that he was trying to save me from being disrespected an took one to the head but never to return again. how can i ever so thank you gracfully but i do an hope u hear me. my whole world came down on me cause i wasnt able to tell u my last words. then last year i lost a real good friend from high school till that day we kept in touch. it hinders my heart to know you arent here today for your son an wife. And this year one of my girlfriends lost her soulmate, her disire, her everything. i dont how or cant even imagine what she is going throw, but i know if i was to lose my gift from god i wouldnt be able to live this life cuase that love you have for your significant other isnt the same as for your mother, father or any sibilings in that matter. its detrimental its a life an death situation. its injurious to your heath an heart.  Is that one question how am i going to live without them. i thank god everyday an pray for him before i pray for myselfs to make sure he receive all the blessing an many more.

And last. i also lost my father a year ago but i lost him 13 years while he was living. i was very angry an upset all at once cuase i never understood why he had abandant us out of no where an let my mother an i in the cold, but anywho. i have come to understand who iam an where i came from after his passing, an also took the time to understand him as well an what type of person he was. my father was a book warm, poetic, he was a very knowledgable person. Very friendly as well everyone knew him from the u.s through the eurepean countries to the himalayas of asia, an its funny cause not one person will ever speak bad about him kinda reminds me of me i welcome everyone in my life with the same look, respect, passing no judgement, an with open arms… well i didnt inherit the book reading or being very knowlegable part cause i had to grow up really fast. i had to learn to  be a women at age 10 an also be a son to my mother all at the same time. all i can say life is very unexpected you never know what your destiny in life is or what it has out for you . so instead i learned common sense the part of life that many people still remain not to use or have. And unfortunately so did my father never had common sense about life. He was so into his books an stories an poems he gotten lost in the world of reality as a man he was suppose to be. Forgotten his responsibility to raise his daugther an protect his wife and also respect his child mother. i have learned that this person that i hated all these years and had resentment towards him, but one thing was that this man left from the sight of us but his blood was running in me. so regaurdless what i thought of him and how much i wanted to erase him out of my life i couldnt and i cant. He would be within me forever, So as i sit here today i have deciated to keep his legacy running along throw within me. This 2012 i will do an be everything he wasnt. have a aim for my responsibility, concor my knowledge for common sense, and have faith in my destiny and try to let go of my past an overcome my pain an return it with joy for others.